Why I was away

Two months since my last post. Between feeling disconnected from my gods, and being heartsick, and…things I can’t talk about, there hasn’t been much to say.

I can talk about it a bit now, though.

Oct 1, 2015
September was a very difficult month, emotionally speaking. My life in general had been going well, and I was happy. The only not-great thing was that I haven’t been able to feel any of my gods for some time, but I figured they were probably just busy, no big deal. But their absence continues, and I miss them more and more the longer it goes on.

I know that things like stress can make muck up signal reception, but I’ve been feeling pretty good, so I don’t get it. Still, I wasn’t worried, I expected it would clear up eventually. But now it’s been going on long enough that it has started to bother me.

And then I started having some other problems, the sort where it would really help to talk to someone, and I found myself with no one to talk to; not only were all my gods silent, but all my human friends are unavailable too! I thought I would just wait a bit until someone becomes available, but weeks went by, and everyone is still unavailable, and I have gone from sad to desperately lonely.

But then I realized, everyone is unavailable. Maybe that’s my cue that I need to spend some time by myself. I wish I didn’t have to be alone, but sometimes it’s needed.

Once I committed to giving myself time alone, I calmed down. I still miss everyone, but I’m no longer desperate. I’m doing well by myself. It’s even kind of nice, not having to think about anyone other than myself, for a while. Not to sound like thinking about the people and deities in my life takes effort, no, having them in my thoughts is natural and effortless, but after a while I get so used to having them in my thoughts all the time that I forget how to be me by myself.

And so I occasionally need to spend some time alone, with myself.

I had been, unintentionally, alone for over a month already. But being alone, in itself, provides no benefit. I need to take an active part in my solitude, I need to intentionally withdraw from the world, to get back to myself. I wish I had remembered that sooner. I guess I need more practice.

I have no idea how long I’ll need to be alone. I promised myself that I would take as long as it needs. I want to talk about this, but I’m going to hold off on updating my blog until after this is done, as talking about it now would be the opposite of having time alone.

Oct 12, 2015
I am ready to come out of my hermitage. Twelve days? It felt like several weeks.

I had abandoned wordpress and facebook for more than a month, and was only minimally active on tumblr. My level of activity on social media had already decreased drastically, even before I realized that I needed time alone. I think I was drifting away from social interaction even without realizing it, but I still tried to cling to friends, and to my deities, and that had to stop for a while, to give me a chance to do what I needed to do.

It’s good to be back.

As I’m thinking over everything that’s happened and where I am in life, I think I’m at a better place right now than I have ever been. Sometimes it’s hard, but it’s also really good, with a promise of even better things to come.

Life is a struggle, but I will keep striving to get to where I want and need to be, and I will get there.

Wep Ronpet 2015

Yesterday was Wep Ronpet (Kemetic new year) for me. As all new years, it is a new beginning, a time to throw out bad things and start again at making a good life.

I did an execration of sorts, but not the way I usually do it. This time, instead of writing on paper or a clay pot, I typed it all on the computer, saved it to give it some solidity so it could be destroyed, and then deleted it while speaking my intent out loud. “I am putting an end to [harmful things], they have no hold on me any more, I have destroyed them!”

Then today I came across this quote, and it’s very relevant right now:

There were things that I needed to execrate, but I’m more focused on building the future I want, and that is making a huge difference. Getting rid of negative things feels good, but building something positive is the best feeling.

The other aspect of new years is that they are times of celebration, and Wep Ronpet is no exception. So, I went into it with the intention of celebrating and feasting, but apparently I’m just not very good at that. I shared my dinner with my gods, but while it was nice it was not anything special. Sadly I didn’t have the energy to do any serious cooking that day.

I am good at taking time for myself when I need it, but yesterday I went all out. I think a good quarter of the day was spent on taking care of my health. I gave it however much time it needed and didn’t worry about how much that is. If it’s needed, then it’s needed.

Then, some hours after dinner, I remembered that I had gotten some caramels specifically for Wep Ronpet, so I re-lit the candle and they got a belated treat as well. I am happy about the caramels.

Maybe next time I should put up some decorations. I think it would make the space more festive and set it apart from a regular day. I also think that the act of decorating a space can put you in a more festive mood. So that’s an idea for next year. For now, I’ll just keep working on “building the new” because that’s the most important thing for me at this time.

 May this year be a good one.
And it will be if I have anything to do with it!

Knowing when to take a break

I’ve been sick, and not doing much as a result. At first I tried to do stuff anyway, but that just wiped me out, and I realised I was expending more energy than I had available.

As much as it sucks to not be able to do anything, my first priority has to be conserving energy so I can get well. I am getting better now, but still have to take it easy and let my energy reserves replenish before I go spending it again.

This sounded better in my head. idk, stuff about being aware of your limits and learning how to prioritize. Balance and ma’at and all that.

I also learned that, although runes never tired me out, other forms of divination are a huge drain on me. I will have to keep that in mind and plan accordingly, in future.

Reblog: The Importance of Celebration Rituals

“Celebration is self care. Take care of yourself and you will be better able to live your life for you and Them.”

The Adventures of a Bohemian Lokean

As a Lokean working within a framework of an amalgamation of several practices (Wicca/chaos magick/Heathen-ish magick/chanting/you name it) I suppose I can simply claim to be an Eclectic Lokean Practitioner working closely with a small group of Norse Trad deities. All of that is assuming you include Loki’s family in the Norse Tradition framework, which some do and some don’t, but I firmly do because of Loki’s blood bond with Odin, if for no other reason, which I see as then passed on to His Children (at the very least) though I digress. In working with Loki and His Family my love has grown for Them, and I’ve grown increasingly fond of tending my altar. Daily, I give offerings. What I give varies depending on my mood, Theirs, and my funds, but often includes sacred smoke in the form of incense, candles, beverages, alcohol, and specific foods when the request…

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