How things have changed over time

At the beginning, I wanted so badly to make the world a better place. Instead, I was pushed to focus on making my own life better. Sure, social and environmental issues are important too, but I don’t have the ability to do anything about them, and worrying about it was just making me feel awful all the time, which only hurts me without fixing anything. Better to focus on my own happiness, selfish as that may sound.

There were many other instances where I wanted to go one way, and was advised to go a different way, and sometimes back and forth.

At one point, I needed to take a break from social media, blogs, and people in general, and focus just on myself, without any other voices in the room. I need that from time to time, to be alone with myself for a while, but this time I needed it for much longer.

Then it was the opposite: I was encouraged to spend MORE time with people, put myself out there and interact more with people I don’t know well, as well as spend more time with friends.

Do more, do less, do more again but don’t go overboard. Avoid stressful situations–then go INTO stressful situations and deal with whatever needs dealing with, but be careful to only take on as much as I can handle. And so on, in every aspect of life. I didn’t always understand, but I went along with most of it, because it felt right.

After a couple years, I’m starting to see where all the little nudges have been leading me. I’ve been going in a certain direction for some time, but as things keep shifting around me all the time, I keep having to adjust various things to maintain a balance.

I still struggle with some things, especially things like asking for help when I need it, but I’m slowly getting there.

And all the little things that seemed unrelated to anything else? They all fit together. Like the moment when you realize that all those boring hours of practicing scales have given you the skill needed to play a song, and the seemingly pointless repetition now makes sense. And even though there’s still a long way to go…that moment of understanding, that’s something.

Well, that’s the generalities. In looking at specifics, this is what has stuck with me most:

“Choose life, every day.”

Why I was away

Two months since my last post. Between feeling disconnected from my gods, and being heartsick, and…things I can’t talk about, there hasn’t been much to say.

I can talk about it a bit now, though.

Oct 1, 2015
September was a very difficult month, emotionally speaking. My life in general had been going well, and I was happy. The only not-great thing was that I haven’t been able to feel any of my gods for some time, but I figured they were probably just busy, no big deal. But their absence continues, and I miss them more and more the longer it goes on.

I know that things like stress can make muck up signal reception, but I’ve been feeling pretty good, so I don’t get it. Still, I wasn’t worried, I expected it would clear up eventually. But now it’s been going on long enough that it has started to bother me.

And then I started having some other problems, the sort where it would really help to talk to someone, and I found myself with no one to talk to; not only were all my gods silent, but all my human friends are unavailable too! I thought I would just wait a bit until someone becomes available, but weeks went by, and everyone is still unavailable, and I have gone from sad to desperately lonely.

But then I realized, everyone is unavailable. Maybe that’s my cue that I need to spend some time by myself. I wish I didn’t have to be alone, but sometimes it’s needed.

Once I committed to giving myself time alone, I calmed down. I still miss everyone, but I’m no longer desperate. I’m doing well by myself. It’s even kind of nice, not having to think about anyone other than myself, for a while. Not to sound like thinking about the people and deities in my life takes effort, no, having them in my thoughts is natural and effortless, but after a while I get so used to having them in my thoughts all the time that I forget how to be me by myself.

And so I occasionally need to spend some time alone, with myself.

I had been, unintentionally, alone for over a month already. But being alone, in itself, provides no benefit. I need to take an active part in my solitude, I need to intentionally withdraw from the world, to get back to myself. I wish I had remembered that sooner. I guess I need more practice.

I have no idea how long I’ll need to be alone. I promised myself that I would take as long as it needs. I want to talk about this, but I’m going to hold off on updating my blog until after this is done, as talking about it now would be the opposite of having time alone.

Oct 12, 2015
I am ready to come out of my hermitage. Twelve days? It felt like several weeks.

I had abandoned wordpress and facebook for more than a month, and was only minimally active on tumblr. My level of activity on social media had already decreased drastically, even before I realized that I needed time alone. I think I was drifting away from social interaction even without realizing it, but I still tried to cling to friends, and to my deities, and that had to stop for a while, to give me a chance to do what I needed to do.

It’s good to be back.

As I’m thinking over everything that’s happened and where I am in life, I think I’m at a better place right now than I have ever been. Sometimes it’s hard, but it’s also really good, with a promise of even better things to come.

Life is a struggle, but I will keep striving to get to where I want and need to be, and I will get there.

Pain

Changes are coming. Life-altering changes. The process has already started and cannot be stopped. It’s not something that I would want to stop anyway; what’s coming is a good thing, great even, and something that I want very much. But it hurts.

I don’t understand why it should be painful. I get to watch something amazing unfold, something that I wished for a very long time, and I’m happy that it’s happening…so why does it hurt?

(Sorry for the vagueblogging, I’m just posting this for myself.)

(ETA: Here’s a non-vague post about it.)

I think Sekhmet wants more

I think I’m gonna have to step up my game.

I am very casual in my interactions with my gods, and they have always seemed happy with that. One of main reasons that I like these gods is because they’re so laid back.

But now Sekhmet is here, and I feel like she wants more formality in my interactions with her. First off, I tried to put down a flowery altar cloth, and got a big NOPE. I ended up using a plain cream colored altar cloth; that felt right. Later I switched it out with a plain green one, and that was also good. So I guess colors are fine as long as it’s something classy.

My other gods never complained about their colorful altar cloths. They’re festive!

Apparently that sort of thing is not Sekhmet’s style, or at least not what she wants from me. That’s okay, I can do things differently, and would be happy to, I’m just not sure how.

So I’m feeling a little bit lost now, because I honestly don’t know HOW to do formal. A cloth is easy to change, but being more formal in my actions? I don’t even know where to start with that. I think offerings are fine the way they are, but there are other things I need to work on. I’m trying to think of a form of address that’s more classy than “Hey, how are ya doing?” but not so stuffy or archaic that it would sound stupid coming out of my mouth.

I never expected this to come up, since all of the gods I’ve honored up until now have been ones who didn’t care about formalities. I’m in unfamiliar territory without a map…

I guess it’s time for some research and brainstorming.

ETA: The feeling I’ve been getting from her is not disapproving, nothing like that. What it is…it’s like she’s standing there looking at me like “Is that the best you can do?” Pushing for more without being unkind. There’s nothing wrong with how I do things, but there’s a definite push to take it up a notch.

Sekhmet

One year ago, I took charge of my life, based on some advice I got from Sekhmet. Best thing that ever happened to me. Shortly after that, I thanked her, and told her that I admire her greatly and appreciate what she did for me, but I don’t think we would work well together.

I don’t think she’s more intimidating than many other gods, so it’s not that. It’s that we have very different personalities, and just wouldn’t mesh. So I told her I like her but don’t want to work with her, and we went our separate ways.

And then at 4 am last night / this morning, as I’m trying to fall asleep, this happens:

random thought: hey, tomorrow is our anniversary.
me: um, it’s the anniversary of that event. It’s not “our anniversary”, we don’t have a relationship.
S: uh-huh.
me: …
me: shit it’s our anniversary and I have nothing planned.

(Once again, I don’t get words, I’m just translating impressions into words.)

In hindsight, I may have been getting hints for a week or two, but sometimes I’m a little slow on the uptake.

Well. Normally I don’t care about anniversaries. Usually I don’t even know when they are, but in this case, seeing as it was such a life-changing event, I feel it deserves some recognition. Last minute planning, GO!

I feel like the odd one out among Sekhmet kids, when my reaction is “Okay, this is happening, let’s do this!” (as opposed to the resistance I see from everyone else) but it’s just the way I am.

The other thing I want to say is how much I am in awe of her. I didn’t want to work with her, didn’t think I could, so she left me alone to do my own thing for an entire y e a r. If that’s not patience I don’t know what is. I mean, I know a year is probably not very long for a deity, but when other people talk about this sort of thing, they always either get dragged in, or walk away. So while I have no doubt that gods could wait if they wanted to, it’s simply not something I ever hear about. But this was exactly what I needed, to know that we would get along.

And now I’m happy to have her in my life. It’s not even a matter of choosing; there’s nothing to choose, it’s already a done deal. It’s an interesting feeling, because on the one hand, this was kind of unexpected, but on the other hand I feel like, of course this is how is, how else would it be?

Dream update

In my previous post I mentioned that I’ve been working on dream recall, and have gotten nothing but bad dreams for almost a week. Well, last night I made it known (stated to no one in particular) that I need a break from the constant stressful stuff. I asked for good, or at least neutral dreams, and got them. Asking for good things often leads to good things happening 🙂

I had three short dreams. Technically they fall into the neutral category, since none of them seem particularly positive on the surface, but they all felt very good. For me, the underlying emotions, how I felt in the dream, are more important than what happened.

One example: I was looking for something and didn’t find it, but that was okay because I was fine without it. That might not seem very positive, seeing as I didn’t find what I was looking for, but the fact that I was fine either way, and was feeling good regardless of the results, that made it a very positive experience.

Persevering

This morning I woke up from a series of bad dreams. I’ve been trying to write down my dreams every morning, but I decided I didn’t want to write these ones down, didn’t want to give them any permanence. I spent the day on tumblr and wordpress, trying to outrun them. But in the end I thought, “I’m working on recall for a reason. I should write them down even if it’s unpleasant.” So I did that. I’ll probably thank myself later.

I hope tomorrow will be better. I’ve been having bad dreams all week, all related to problems I’m having irl.

There are other things (good things!) I have been wanting to write about, but I just don’t have the energy right now.

 

Asking for help

Quote from something I read today:

“I generally don’t relate to the Powers in a transactional manner. These are relationships, to me. I give what I give out of love. I ask for what I ask out of need. We exchange in joy in the moment.”

Source and full post is here, but what I want to talk about today is a slightly different topic. I just wanted to share that quote because it’s something I’ve had trouble putting into words.

Occasionally I do wonder if I’m asking for too much, or if they’re “getting a fair deal” with what I offer in return, but I try not to worry about it too much. I figure if they want something they can poke me, otherwise I’ll just do the usual offerings, and that seems to be fine.

It helps to remember that, when I light a candle or offer some food or music, they’re not just getting the offering, but also my attention and friendship. I think that makes it worthwhile even if a candle in itself doesn’t seem like much. So, generally I don’t feel the need for transactions. These are relationships, to me. I give what I give out of love. I ask for what I ask out of need. We exchange in joy in the moment.

Another thing is, I try not to ask for help unless I really need it, because I don’t want to be dependent on anyone, deity or otherwise. Sometimes I want things to be easy, but life doesn’t work like that. I want to be able to rely on myself, so I always try to work things out by myself if I can. Then, if I do need help, I can ask for it without feeling like I ask too much, since I know it’s a genuine need and not just me being too lazy to do the hard work myself 😀

I don’t know, it’s a topic that I’ve been thinking about, since I have some problems right now, and I’ve been taking some time to think about what I can do on my own, and what I need help with. I think that thinking about this also helps me to know myself, and be more confident about my decisions, so it’s good stuff all around.